Tag psychology

Motivation is Stupid, Habits are better

Max Beaulieu 2 Comments

I suck at being motivated. I will be extremely into something for a week only to see myself burn out.

For many years I interpreted this as a failure of choice. If I’d actually been “destined” to do this, Job, relationship, or hobby, my motivation would have never waned.

That’s bullshit.

The truth is Motivation is an exceptionally limited resource.

The best comparison I’ve ever heard is adrenaline. Motivation like adrenaline is great for getting yourself out of sticky situations, that might otherwise threaten to end a dream (or life) early. However, if you spend too much time in that state of overwhelming motivation, you burn out.

So what do you do?

you form habits, and you show up.

Dumb huh?

You just don’t give up. When you miss a blog post, you post one the next day. When you don’t feel like writing you show up and stare at a page. Because what you are doing is programing.

I didn’t work out for most of my adult life. But one day, after reading how good it was for my mental health, I decided to work out. I got a gym membership, and then I just went.

The first week, I didn’t do anything but walk around the gym. Seriously, I just put on my gym clothes and walked around, and left.

But week two, I just got on a treadmill for 5 minutes. The reason, I figured, I was already here, Might as well. That 5 became 30 and my visits became daily.

Now I get some form of physical exercise every day, and it feels weird if I don’t.

That state of “it feels weird if I don’t” isn’t guilt, it isn’t motivation, it’s just that the desired behavior has become such a part of your life you do it without thought.

The key though is not just to show up, but also not to make a big deal of your failures. You didn’t hit the gym…oh well…do it tomorrow.

It sounds silly but you want to reward yourself for doing and ignore the not doing. If you give the not doing attention, even negate attention, it tends to get stronger.

Motivation sucks. Just show up, try your best, and be ridiculously (in your critical head) kind to yourself about it.

AFYM: Give your subconscious a place to talk

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We are trained by the current social model, especially as men, to run away from emotions that are not “happy” or “good”. But the main problem with this is that it ignores the fact that millions of years of evolution gave us those emotions for a good reason. (or if you prefer a great creator).

At first glace this might seem silly. What good could deep sadness do? But often if we give that sadness a voice through a kind of call and response method, that is, if we approach it quizzically, we can sometimes sidestep the anger, and get to the real root of the problem.

This isn’t easy. You have to be genuine, because most of your life you’ve probably been pushing emotions down, and trying to kill or numb them. But here’s the rub. You cannot numb just the bad ones. It is the dichotomy of emotions that let us feel the good ones. So when you approach your subconscious it’s likely to attempt to defend itself, which makes sense, you’ve been attacking it all this time.

However, if you can sift through the vitriol, and gently but firmly ask it real questions, without leading, you can sometimes piece apart what’s really going on, and in doing so identify the cognitive errors present within.

Today, I felt sad. I didn’t know why, so I took out a sheet of paper, and said, hello sadness, come on in, tell me your woes, what do you have to teach me. It proceeded to berate me about how I was not doing enough in my work life. So I politely asked it what was enough… and so on. This continued on and on, me nicely but pointedly asking for clarification. The writing externalized it, made it real, prevented the mercurial brain from shifting tactics mid thought.

In the end, keep this in mind, you are not trying to beat your mind, you are trying to reconnect with it. You are attempting to rectify the unconscious ideas that guide you with your conscious desires, and that takes time and patience.

AFYM: You can disappoint people, it’s OK ( No really)

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I recently disappointment a friend. It wasn’t a big disappointment but I could tell it made him feel bad.

I felt bad at first, but then after a bit of soul searching I realized that while, I may have disappointed a friend, and I did feel bad, I still did the right thing.

The thing is you have to take care of yourself first no matter what. That’s a tough sell, especially to people who were raised to take care of others. Being an older sibling I saw it as my job to care for everyone at the expense of myself.

But here’s a secret. No one reasonable, (reasonable! I say.) will expect you to take care of them first, because in their heads they will always take care of themselves first.

While it sucks to disappoint people, you can’t help anyone if you yourself are broken.

In reality, not wanting to disappoint someone is an ego driven overvaluation of your impact on the other person.

Think of the last time someone disappointment you. You might have trouble recalling it. Did it hurt that badly? Probably not, in reality, if you liked them you forgave them relatively quickly.

try and place that own standard on yourself, and remember. You are human!

Anxiety is a call to action, but you don’t have to pick up.

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Anxiety is hell. It’s a great survival mechanism, but one that lacks nuance. It’s on or it’s off and the thing about it is, that each time we cave to anxiety we reinforce it.

This is the main principle behind Cognitive Behavioral theory.

The more we understand about emotions the more we learn that they aren’t based off reality so much as our own perceptions, and how we feel we should feel based off previous experiences, colloquial expectations, and cultural knowledge.

What this means is that our emotions, while powerful and useful aren’t accurate in and of themselves, but they also shouldn’t be ignored.

The key, the real hard balance, is finding the right measure to honor the emotion, and be curious about it, while still not caving to them all the time. Sometimes emotions know what is going on better than your logic or intuition might, and other times one of the other intelligence rules the roost.

While I don’t think there’s a wrong way to process emotions, I think the main key is to identify the patterns of thinking you want to follow, and put your energy towards those, versus the thought patterns that are dragging you down the same old paths.

Advice for Young Men: Dating sites and Porn are causing you a lot of pain

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This isn’t a prohibition. I don’t want you to stop using dating sites, or stop watching porn, but I want you to start doing is to be mindful of how the usage of them effects your real life relationships.

One of the problems of the current century is that dating sites fill the user’s head with ideas of massive abundance. Whereas men of ages past were limited by geographic location, dating sites allow you to expand your reach further and further.

This might be seen as over all good, but there is a paradox in this choice, in his book the paradox of choice Barry Schwartz, talks about how too much choice leads to dissatisfaction.

To summarize an amazing read, the basic premise is as follows, if you have too many choices, even if you get the optimal choice, you will be dissatisfied with the results. Meaning you aren’t going to be as happy with that girl you met online as if you met her in the day to day workings of your life.

The same goes for porn, and not just hardcore pornography, I am talking about the Hundreds of amateur pornographic websites that promote themselves online. What most men, or most people do not realize is that the bodies being presented online represent only a small percentage of real people. What this means is, that unless you consciously attempt to correct for it you will always be comparing the women you date to the perfect, make up clad, photo shopped, pictures you see online.

And that my young friends is where mindful use of these tools comes in. You have to be aware of the fantasy, and the underlying currents in your mind that seek to find satisfaction. Put aside and work through your perfectionist impulse, and find someone who makes you happy, even if he or she doesn’t stack up to what you see online…because no one can.

I know…I know…easier said than done. But were working on it together.

There is no End Point

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This is your life.

I know, I know, this is some Gary Vee, motivational stuff, but I don’t share his grinder philosophy, I am not saying this to motivate or move you.

I am saying this because this is reality.

I spent my life sweeping the floor hoping that it would never get dusty, but entropy happens. Energy has to be spent to reverse it, and ya know that’s ok.

The sooner you make peace with this the more you can just enjoy the process.

That sounds simple, but it isn’t, because here is the secret, you are never done.

It’s just change. All of it is change, and finishing is only temporary. That means that trying to hold onto anything can only cause pain.

So revel in your human mistakes, they will pass. Revel in your victories, they will fade, and Revel in your life, it will end. But not really. Something somewhere is always changing.

The key is to stop looking for the end point, but even in this you will fail, and that is ok. The key is to keep on keeping on.

Simpler typed than done.

Schedules Are Important

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In the Covid World, many peoples are feeling lost, and their lives are kind of going off the wall.

I’ve worked most consistently since I was 16 and so having a good 6 months off has sent me a drift.

I realized lately that having some semblance of a schedule will help me.

So now, I’ve been trying to consistently get up at the same time even if I don’t go to bed at the same time. I’m trying to have a basic few routines that I am doing every day in order to add some normalcy.

This can be tough, especially if you struggle with self motivation.

Best bet in that case is to simply start small, and be gentle. This is a strange time, do what you can to make it work for you.

AFYM: Journaling Helps Free Up Space in Your Head

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The written word is a powerful thing. It allows us to put our thoughts outside our-self. Even now as you read this I am communicating to you, not in real time, but sometime from the past.

Our minds often become cluttered with various thoughts and worries, so a quick practice I like to do, as I did this morning, is to write all my thoughts down as they come. This sort of stream of consciousness writing seems simple but can take practice.

when you first begin it you might find yourself answering the voices, or challenge the thoughts, that’s normal. instead of doing this though try and instead just let the thoughts come. Let them all jumble onto the page, let them not make sense, and let them be counter intuitive. Just let them exist.

You will find the simple act of doing this will often relive stress, and then after you’ve let the thoughts sit on the page a bit, you can go back and offer advice to them.

What I often do in this case is a call and answer, where one color pen is the questioner of the thoughts and the other color is the emotionally charged thought. I don’t criticize the thoughts, but instead I ask them pointed questions.

In a way this allows me to explore the fallacies in my thinking without beating them over the head with judgement.

So next time you find yourself overwhelmed, try dumping that mess onto a page.

AFYM: If something evokes strong emotions, take a moment to question it

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As someone who suffers with OCD, the disorder has taught me a valuable skill, to question strong emotions.

Emotions aren’t wrong or bad, and I do not advise suppressing them, but when you read, watch or listen to something that raises your blood-pressure, it’s important to take a beat.

In the age of global social media warfare and government sponsored trolling, the internet is more than ever a huge minefield of misinformation, spread with the intent of creating divisions, and anger.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the Anti-science / Anti-mask movement in the US has its roots in either the Chinese or Russian Government’s efforts to undermine the western world.

But this goes beyond the pandemic, in life, people will tap into your primary emotions in order to manipulate your decisions, your wallet, or your ballot.

The key to not being blustered about via the emotional whims is to practice mindfulness. When you are confronted with an emotionally charged “fact” or headline, take a moment, and question, what is this person, passage or quote trying to get from me.

You won’t be able to do this immediately, and it takes practice but eventually, you might be able to avoid being so upset all the time.

Advice for young men (AFYM): Logic wont compel you to change, stories will

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Jungian philosophy is complex and multifaceted, but one of the primary ideas behind it is the confrontation and channeling of the shadow.

“No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.”

― Carl Jung

The shadow of man dives down to hell, and yet so many people walk around as if they don’t have a choice to be good.

I read about this idea and decided to try and embrace the capacity in myself to do great evil, and focus on the choice not to do evil.

I logically understood the ideas, and yet part of me resisted truely embracing it.

Then on a chance, I watched Beastars. In the story the Main character struggles with this percise Jungian problem. Most of the show he acts as if he has no capacity to do evil, and as such is weak, and not truely a good man (wolf). However, when presented with his dark side, he confronts it, and eventually is able to channel his darkness to save those he loves.

Suddenly for me the philosophy clicked, some part of my brain was able to wholly embrace the ideas.

This is my long winded way of saying that even if you logically want to change, you will struggle to unless you have a story to attach to that logic.

Humans are Firstly Emotion Based

The old adage you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink, is rightfully translated, you can teach a man anything but you can’t make him belive it.

Because there is a part of our brain that attaches information to stories. The shaman, the lore master, the priest, all of them teach through stories. What is any religious text but a story that teaches lessons?

So, my advice is if you want to truly internalize things you have to find a story that teaches it, or you might struggle.