AFYM: Love is something you choose

While classically women are touted as the more romantic sex, I disagree.

Most men I’ve met who aren’t just looking to get laid have much more rosy and unrealistic ideas about love, than most women. Most guys I know suffer from breakups much longer than their female counterparts.

This makes sense. Women must be more practical, as they’ve a lot more to lose from a failed relationship, and so while they might enjoy romantic ideas they are able to put them aside in many cases and choose the best option for themselves.

I am speaking in broad strokes of course, and there will always be exceptions but from my experience men have much more unrealistic ideas about love, relationships and sex.

The biggest of these is that love will be a whirlwind of never ending passion, and that a dip in that raw visceral attraction means the relationship is dead. Any disagreement, means that it’s not meant to be.

This is of course, a misrepresentation by media, and culture, and leads to unrealistic expectations. Your partner will get old. Your partner will get sick. Your partner and you will fight. Sometimes you wont be in the mood to lust after them, and you probably will still ogle beautiful people.

Love in my experience is a choice. It’s not always a feel good choice but it’s a choice you make over and over again. you don’t walk your dog because each time you do it brings you mind blowing giddiness, you walk the dog because they need to be walked and you want them to be healthy and happy. you walk the dog even on days you don’t really want to because you love them, even when you are annoyed.

It sounds odd but love is showing up over and doing something not out of obligation, but out of want for the person.

Moreover, love is often not show the same by two people, and it’s important to recognize what you need, and what your partner gives and how to translate that.

Some people show love by telling it, others by doing things, and so on. It’s important to translate this love into your own language.

most of all be patient and kind with yourself an your partner, and to recognize you are not bad or broken alone.

I think being a romantic person myself I found it difficult to not be alone, but the truth is if you aren’t whole by yourself you wont be whole with another human.

I know it’s cliche but love is ultimately a deeply personal matter that starts with the self. If you are desperate for love you will attract other people who are desperate, and then that love ceases to be a choice, but becomes a compulsion. Something you do to make your anxiety go away

Love is a choice you make again and again.

AFYM: You Do Not Have to Agree with someone to be their friend

Photo by fotografierende on

In this increasingly divided age, I wanted to comment a little secret. Friendship doesn’t have to be an alignment of ideas.

Friendships are meant to expand your mind, and fulfill social needs.

However, the internet has warped us into thinking conformity is needed to establish relationships. Tribalism is a programmed behavior of humans, but so is inter-connectivity, and it’s only through collaboration that we come to the font of innovation.

One of the hardest truth’s to swallow is the idea that you are not your friend’s savior. You aren’t going to convert them through rhetoric, or logic, or simply bothering them until they break.

If you see the world from their eyes for a second, you are the one with the strange ideas. If you go into a friendship with an agenda it stops being a friendship and becomes a project. It’s not longer about mutual exchange of ideas and good feelings about about one person being right and the other wrong.

In order to find common ground, embrace humility, question yourself without having to convert to the other point, and most of all simply be with that person. If they start to go into a conversation topic you aren’t comfortable with, tell them, and ask them politely to not discuss it.

Most of all, focus on your common ground, and remember, that’s a person out there.